Regret Is Fo' Suckas
by Max Rasgar
Summary: A heartbroken Valkyrie hunts down her favorite thief and finds her. [S5 AU]


Disclaimer: Shaw Media, Prodigy Pictures, Showcase...those are the peeps that own da shit.

A/N: Having to witness my main reason for watching the show selflessly sacrifice herself and then say goodbye again after being resurrected-it was just too much. I needed a laugh and whatnot, so I present this to you and it's all up in Kenzi's POV.

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 **{:| Regret Is Fo' Suckas |:}**

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Nobody knocks on my door if they know what's good for them, especially at this hour. I grab my cell phone and check the time and sure enough its barely past noon and I haven't been home maybe four hours? I haul myself out of bed and zombie walk to my door. Between just dragging in when the sun was starting to come up and then the occasional woot-woot of sirens and peeps calling each other mutha-truckas I haven't been able to get comatose for very long. And damn, I think I fell half asleep with my clothes and makeup on too; at least I got my boots off though.

"Yeah, yeah." I say loudly to whoever is on the other side still banging away. They got some persistent stamina. "If the door could answer itself it would've done it by now."

Another pounding knock rattles my door as I'm taking off the two chains and then the big ass deadbolt I had one of my cousins install.

"You really thought you could just leave?" Tamsin says after I fling open the front door.

I'm not sure if I'm hallucinating. But I am pretty sure I'm not seeing things that are the result of a wicked three day hangover because she's really here. My poor door was Valku-banged hard.

"Hello, I already left but leave it to my Valkyrie bestie to track me down like a old Fae bloodhound." I retort with a wicked cock of my left hip coupled with my fierce set of narrowed ice-blue eyes. "Did Bo send you?"

I always knew the day would come. I've said goodbye to Bo three times now. The first time in anger, the second one was silent as I stepped into the burning light and then the third which was full of tears and fears and I don't mean that 80's band. But nothing lasts forever and anybody fool enough to believe the opposite is full of all kinds of shit. I had the time of my life living with Bo and it eventually cost me said life, which I would still do the same way all over again.

"Hell no she didn't send me." Tamsin says with a slight snarl. "So can I come in or should I just stand on your invisible unwelcome mat with a shit eating grin in place until you cave?"

She's still got skills and still very blonde without so much as a single split end. But her eyes look different and there's a hint of some lingering sad bastard issues that's setting on her shoulders. Shit must've really hit the fan and poor Tam-Tam clearly forgot to duck and ended up taking a full-frontal hit.

"Welcome to Kenzi-ville." I say while stepping aside to let my former little Valkubaby in.

Without my boots on she is even taller than me. I lean back against the door and watch her. Tamsin looks good as always; all dressed up in black ankle boots, dark skinny jeans and a light green leather jacket that makes her eyes pop. I watch her look around my place before I shut and lock the front door. I know my little apartment isn't much but at least it has covered walls and doesn't have boards on the windows. I have a more grown up place to lay my head down now until I get up in the afternoon.

Though relocating to another city in Canada-my not native land-wasn't an easy feat even for a gypsy thug like myself but I pulled it off. Sometimes I miss squatting with Bo in her shag-shack. It was quieter than it is here sometimes, only the sounds of loud 'gettin' healing nookie' would fill the air. Instead of the usual annoying car alarm down the street that goes off every now and then, until the owner decides to chirp it into silence after taking their sweet ass time.

"So how has your second life been treating you lately?" Tamsin asks with a smirk and I push off the door and walk past her on my way towards the sofa. "I know Valhalla wasn't too hard on you."

"The second time around is going okay so far." I say as I walk around my small coffee table and sit down on my plush black sofa I liberated from an unsuspecting furniture store. "And hell yeah I thought the afterlife was pretty boss; all the chocolate a girl could handle without worrying about 'lurve-handles'."

My sofa is so comfy and that store so didn't need it taking up space in their overstocked downstairs storage. Tamsin follows suit behind me and lands next to me on the sofa with a deep sigh. I try not to think about Bo or Hale too much these days either. I have to move on the best way I can. So I keep going because why not?

"And you're right I almost didn't want to go back to the world of breathers, but I couldn't turn Bo away after she had risked so much for all her usual selfish reasons. I had hoped after my death my favorite succubus would outgrow that unfortunate part of her personality, but I was wrong and I couldn't stick around anymore to watch. So here I am."

Tamsin grunts and leans back on the sofa and puts her feet up on my little-reclaimed from a closed down antique shop-coffee table. Dude, the chick actually has small feet for someone of her watchtower height. I can't believe I hadn't noticed that back when we were roomies.

"How's it hanging for you these days, Tamsin?"

The Valkyrie sits up and removes her feet from my less than super sturdy coffee table with a smirk.

"If it was hanging right then things would be better and I can assure you it's anything but since I'm sitting here with you."

"Ouch, Tamsin." I say while placing my hand over my heart. "Way to make a girl feel special."

I move on the sofa to sit sideways and tuck my feet up under me. I feel like I should be majorly offended but girlfriend is obviously working through some shit and she needs me. She's just too proud to admit it. Perhaps some Kenzi charm will loosen things up.

"Huh, speaking of not hanging right; I didn't know you have a wang that you play hide and seek with." I say with a completely straight face. "And now that your secret is out and you've got my curiosity peaked; how many inches are you packing?"

Tamsin screws up her pretty face and I nearly laugh. It's fun to mess with peeps and Tamsin was one of the few Fae that my humor wasn't wasted on.

"I don't have some weird dick stowed away in my crotch, Kenz."

"Alright no, pressure." I say with a smirk. "So you're not Ron Jeremy digging tunnels."

"And to think you called me gross more than once."

"I'll punch you right in the boob, Tamsin."

"Try it short stack."

I'm not going to punch her in the tit; bullshitting was our way in better times, and its fun to have that again even if it's only a one time visit. I hope it's not but if it is then I'll accept that it's for the best, even though I've missed her.

"I just might in a minute." I say while leaning closer to Tamsin. "I thought about punching Bo in the frickin' boob before too, so don't think you're too good for it or anything."

"When did you consider doing that to Bo?"

"How about when she would tease me in not so fun ways?" I say while narrowing my eyes at the Valkyrie.

I will not relive the horror that was the time Bo-Bo thought it was so funny to peddle me off to that cyclops pervert. Then there was the horny chess player thing. And God, she always made me kiss the gross ones.

"Whatever, Kenz."

"So are you going to tell me what made you track me down all sneaky-stalk style and then decide to cast doubt on my front door?"

My Valkyrie bestie rolls her eyes at me and then pulls a small silver flask out of her jacket and takes a swig without offering me any. That's alright though; I've slowed down on my alcohol for lots of reasons, mostly because I don't need it anymore. Tamsin draws in sharp breath and then recaps the flask and puts it back in her jacket pocket.

"I left Bo too..." Tamsin starts and then stops. This is bad and I have a fresh feeling as to what the hell happened. "Um, I left Bo because I stupidly fell in love with her and she turned me down, Kenz."

There are times when I hate being right and this is one of them. "So you ended up knocking bits with her too, huh?"

Tamsin turns sideways on the sofa and throws her arm along the back while giving me a full on scornful frown. I may have struck a highly sensitive nerve accidentally on purpose.

"What do you think?"

"Yeah, you did."

I reach over and place my hand on her arm. Damn, her jacket is no fake-ass leather. I run my hand along her arm in soothing gesture.

"Let it all out." I say with complete sincerity and Tamsin snorts. "What? You came here to vent so let that shit fly, be free Tam-Tam."

I get it; being vulnerable sucks. I bet she threw herself at Bo and of course neither one of them even thought about saying 'no', or stopping to think about what happens after its done and done.

"I was so certain she felt the same about me. I wrapped myself up in a bow for Christ sakes and let her unwrap me, literally."

I gasp because the image is too much and damn I was right again. Thankfully, Tamsin doesn't notice my reaction or she pretends not to.

"My feelings didn't happen overnight Kenz and I wasn't hard up for a lay. I didn't plan on falling for her." Tamsin says and I move my hand off her arm to hold her hand. "I mean shit, I used to refer to Bo as a 'cooze' in my previous life."

"Hey!"

"What's the problem; you left her too." Tamsin says and she jerks her hand out of mine and shifts away from me on the sofa a little. "So I think we can talk about her however the hell we want now."

I don't know how I feel about that. I was never one to really bad mouth my friends when they weren't around. But if I'm going to help blondie heal then exceptions will have to be made with my own brand of flair.

"No offense Tammi but you never stood a chance against the good Doctor Hot-Pants when teamed up with Miss. Blue-eyed Wonder Snatch."

Yeah, I don't do gentle. I've always believed going soft is a bad thing and that logic can be applied to many different shituations not just the fellas and their manly junk.

"I know that now." Tamsin says and my heart breaks a little for her. "But I always thought Dyson would be her choice since she kept unwrapping his wang off and on for years. And I actually thought I could easily take his place in her heart."

So young and inexperienced and yet I know that Tamsin is an old soul who has seen too much during her many lives.

"My dear sweet Tamsin let me educate you on something I learned when I slept under the same roof as a succubus in lurve for realz."

"Ugh, I'm too old for story time now Moms."

"Shut it young lady! This is a very adult story but with no details cause it's not like I was in the room watching or anything like some kind of creeper."

"You know that's the last time I'm going to let you call me that." Tamsin says with a healthy roll of the eyes. "And if you're gonna tell me about what I think you are; why didn't you just wear earplugs?"

"I did! But that kinda lovin' has volume let me tell ya'."

Tamsin makes a face and sighs loudly. "Fine go ahead, not that it matters now or that will change anything."

"It was a couple of years ago now. It happened the year I got that weird green shit splashed on me when I went to pay the Norn a house call."

"You didn't…oh wait, I remember some of that now."

"Shh, you wanna hear this or not?"

"Not!" Tamsin retorts before she starts to get up off the sofa. I reach out and grab her arm and pull her ass back down.

"You're a tough audience, Tammi."

"Whatever, just get on with it."

"As I was trying to say; after the whole Kitsune shit but not actual shit got spilled on me, you know after you, Bo and Dyson found me but I essentially rescued myself." I feel Tamsin's glare trying to disturb my force. "Anyways, I spent way too much time at the clubhouse trying to get Bo's attention at a point in her life when she was all basking in the glory of the super bang-able Doc-ta..."

 ** _Three Years Ago..._**

Bo's ceiling looks about as up to code as mine and I live beneath her in the basement. I kinda like chillin' in her room with her as long as she's put fresh sheets on her bed. I know she has to change them a lot and maybe more nowadays since she's landed a new lady-luva boo. As for me I'm still trying to get my mojo back after the whole Fae kidnapping thing, and yes I don't think I have to behave like I'm on Oprah and share it everywhere I go. I tried to tell Bo and the others before I got snatched. I want to talk about it even less now since I'm so over it.

"Bo, do you think if you like bitch-slapped a braying jackass it would make a different noise that didn't sound like it was taking something a might too big up its pooper?"

"Kenzi!"

"What? It's all good in the neighborhood to wonder about things Bo-Bo. I mean I've heard you making some serious sounds while gettin' your freak on last night. You know poundin' away like a sailor on shore leave."

I heard Bo sigh and imagined she was gving me her stern look but since my head was just dangling off the side of the bed I just kept going. I had to exorcize the demons.

"Sometimes when you're on it I sing to myself: 'I don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump and grind'. Or if I'm feeling kinda late nineties retro white chica I'll bust out 'Hit me baby one more time'. Or if you two are really trying to break the bed through the floor then I'll throw down with: 'Push it, ah push it, ah push it, push it real good!"

"Kenzi, please."

"And then there's my old school favorite that's not a song: bow-chicka-wow-wow till the neighbors call the po-po."

"Kenzi!"

"I guess it's a good thing that we don't have any neighbors and you're already friendly with the Fae one-man K-9 unit in our local police department."

"That's it." Bo said and then I felt her tugging on my legs. After showing off her strength I ended up pulled upright on her bed until my back was resting against the headboard.

"Whoa! Ease up there I wasn't looking to get 'succu-handled' I was just trying to make you laugh." I said. "And it's not like you were having a nap from what I could tell when I strutted into the room."

Bo scoffed and laid back down on her side of the bed. Her pose reminded me of how a mortician poses a dead body in a coffin or how Wednesday Addams sleeps. I rolled my eyes and after a few beats I sunk down on the bed further and then adjusted one of her pillows behind my head. After too much silence I looked over at Bo and she smile-frowned a little; a look I knew all too well.

I remember when she was like a in-heat seeking missile aimed at Dyson; determined to make him lurve her. But I hadn't seen that look since she realized that he gave up his love like a virgin on prom night to the Norn. I saw it all the time then though and it was every time Lauren was mentioned. I've always felt that the two of them kept way too many secrets from one another to keep their relation-ship from sinking.

"I really don't want to talk about Dyson today in any way shape or form." She said after some slight shifty-shifting on my part since everything I was doing beforehand got her all huffy bicycle.

"What's got you all sensitivo?" I said while I played with my cool skully fingerless gloves that go all the way up my arms. I altered them all by myself to look badass; nobody needs to know that they totally started out as socks. "Did you get Lauren pregnant for real this time and you don't like her baby names or something?"

Bo sighs and rolls her eyes at me but at the same time I see a distressed sadness. Oh boy, what or who has she done now? I decided to wait her out though for a few seconds; she'll either buckle like a belt or not.

"I cheated on Lauren with Dyson."

"You did what!" I shouted a little because I was suddenly having a mini Tim flashback. God, how did I ever trip and fall in lurve with that cheating from behind dildo? "That's so not cool, Bo-Bo."

"I know, Kenzi."

"Did you tell her?"

"Yeah, I told her." Bo said as she slouched down on the bed further. "I couldn't live with myself if I'd kept that from her."

The bed was lumpier on my side and for a second my mind conjured up lots of big 'O' naughty images of things that have most likely happened on this side of the bed or hell the whole damn bed. No wonder Vex complained so much about the sofa, but that thing never saw any naked action as far as I knew.

"Moving on then from the Dyson layover." I said and then turned on my side so I could look at my favorite sulky succubus. "What did I miss when Evil Kenzi was tryin' to run the world while I was otherwise unavailable or in other words chained to a rock via a bear trap?"

Bo turned her head to face me and frowned until I batted my eyelashes at her. I swear sometimes she is too damn moody but that's what I'm here for; to add some wee cheer to her suck-face life.

"Well, Lauren said I could feed off others since she wasn't enough for me." Bo's voice wavers and I can tell that she's trying her damnedest not to cry. "And I thought I was happy about it until..."

"What? Keep going because I didn't say our safe word."

Bo laughs a tiny bit and smiles at me. "Until I was so busy trying to feed off this other woman to notice that my best friend wasn't the same person anymore. And that my girlfriend was pulling away from me little by little to keep from getting too hurt by my actions."

This was heavier stuff than we've ever talked about. I've always had to hold back some because Bo was always so guarded about sharing and her habit rubbed off me for a little while until I shook it off.

"Bo, I never doubted for one second in that cave you would figure it out and come for me."

"You know Dyson didn't believe me when I told him or Trick, but the real kick was Lauren." Bo said and then she looked away from me. "She didn't believe me either when I told her that you...it hurt more than anything and I got so angry with her. Then I ended up saying some shitty things that I haven't apologized for yet."

Man those two need to get a room and talk for a change instead of getting slutonic all the time. I catch myself wanting to tell Bo to use her words. I mean how hard is it when it's not about feeding? I really hope their coupledom ain't about scratching itches all the time even though Bo's itchy by nature; she can't help it. Plus she's already done the whole friends with benefits deal with the wolf man. You would think that she'd learned from her mistakes by now.

"That Kitsune bitch pulled a good con for a while." I said in spite of my thoughts as I reached out to touch Bo's arm. "So go easy on the Doc. I mean I don't think in all her sciency-awkwardness she really knows how to handle being this head over cute-shit heels in lurve with such a lovely succuface."

Bo chuckled and finally smiled a little. "How did you get so wise, Kenz?"

"Life on the streets will make you grow in all sorts of ways, playa." I said while I lightly patted her on the arm. "Except vertically. I blame the vag I fell out of since she's vertically challenged too."

Bo laughed and we ended up pigging out on two tubs of Piles O' Pecans. And I spent most of the night trying to think of where I could snag a new mattress for Bo because the lumps started killing my back after the first hour. Then I started feeling sorry for every peep that was ever under her on that lumpy mattress; it felt like I was lying in potholes on the street. A bed of nails would be more comfortable doing the nasty on.

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"Stop! I can't take anymore reflections of the past." Tamsin says with a deep frown. Girlfriend looks like someone pissed in her Frosted Flakes. "Or your thoughts on the quality of Bo's mattress."

"Alright shit!" I say as I slap my hands down on my thighs a bit too hard. "I'll have stuff like that embedded in my brain until I'm old and I've lost some more inches in height, which is depressing since I'm already wee."

Tamsin smirks at me and I think it's time to lay it all out there to dry.

"Bo has slept with all of her friends aside from me and Vex but to be honest we made out twice but never because I wanted her." I say in absolute honesty and without any shameful implications. "The difference is that she was never just friends with Lauren or just bang buddies; it was always different between them. I even threatened Lauren once as a test and girlfriend let me have it right back."

Tamsin sighs and leans back in the sofa until her head rests on the back. Those pale green eyes of her's close and she swallows roughly. I hate that she had to earn her Masters in Docubbus the hard way.

"You know what, I think you need some wisdom to lift your spirits. So I'm gonna give you some words to live by Tamsin from one of the greatest poets to ever live." I clear my throat and Tamsin opens her eyes and looks at me. "Regret is fo' suckas, fo' suckas, fo' suckas. Regret is fo' suckas...bitch."

The Valkyrie sits up and she looks stoic as more classy peeps would say. I however would call it the face of constipation. Thank the Gods though cause after a few seconds she snorts and finally smiles. I was starting to suffer from all kinds of worry about my bestie's wry sense of humor. It would be tragic if that part of her personality had been left for dead on the side of the road.

"Fool, you know how I do it." Tamsin says and I laugh at how her lips curl up. "I'll break yo' ass like dishes."

"I dig that poet too and if all else fails I know that you'll survive."

And for bonus points I wonder if my not so little Valkyrie protégé' will get the Gloria Gaynor award.

"I still love to dance Kenz but I can't say I've ever done or will do disco." Tamsin says while she shifts to sit sideways on the sofa and I end up smirking at her. "I don't think I've ever been able to relate to someone on music references so much before in any of my past lives. But all that aside I'm warning you right now that I'm going to get emotional for a minute." Oh goody-dump-drops, I'm so ready for the softer side of Tammi. "Hey, nice hair by the way; blonde really suits you, Kenz."

I smile even in the face of her anticlimactic build-up and subsequent detour. I have bedhead and I haven't washed my hair in almost a week.

"Thanks, I was always a natural blonde until I became a unnatural dark haired lady." I say and Tamsin smirks but then her face gets all serious and it makes me nervous. She wasn't kidding about the feels apparently. "Alright, I acknowledge your verbal warning so proceed." I raise a single finger up at her and I don't mean the old middle finger salute. "But if I start feeling the need to vom I'm gonna leave you; take care of the spewage, and then go chew on a bar of soap."

The Valkyrie smiles again but she fiddles with her hair; putting some of it behind both of her ears. Even though she doesn't have a loose strand and she has her hair twisted up in her little 'warrior-princess bun' as I call it.

"The best dick joke in my world is actually you, Kenz."

"What the..." I know I'm making a weird face but. _"No mi comprendes, puta!"_

Tamsin rolls her eyes at me even though I called her a Spanish bitch.

"As I was trying to say in my own way; size does matter but in this case it was the smallest package that held the biggest gift." My bestie says with a warm smile and honestly I might cry. "I took your soul home but not because of what I am but because I love you Kenz." I'm feeling very misty all of the sudden and I may need a hug from her whether she does hugs or not if she keeps going. Tamsin sniffles a little but then she smirks at me. "But I mean that in a totally platonic way."

So much for emotional; she just had to go and spoil it. "Good for you, cause even though you're a tall, hot piece of Valkyrie ass I'm not into da ladies in a 'I wanna sex you up' kind of way."

Tamsin arches both of her carefully plucked eyebrows at me. "Color Me Bad...you have got to be seriously shitting me."

"I wouldn't mock it too much Tammi since you clearly got the reference."

"Shut up Kenz."

"I so want to freakin' boob punch you right now."

Tamsin chuckles, "You can try it but I doubt you'll succeed."

I've really missed this and she's here. I never thought I would end up with two Fae best friends, but I did and this one I'd like to keep around. At the very end I decided Bo needed to move on with her life and so did I.

"So this enquiring mind wants to know if you're staying or going." I blurt out because I'm a teensy-tiny bit lonely here living on my own. "I mean if you don't want to leave anytime soon. You know if this is an extended visit for a few days or you know whatever."

I've got an extra bedroom that's just housing my wigs. I mean she left and came here. But on second thought if she does decide to be my roomie again I'm going to miss being able to walk around without any clothes on while doing my best attempts at cooking.

"I'd like to stay if you've got the space, Kenz. I can be Dark Fae anywhere and I'm starting over too. And I would like to do that in the company of a close friend."

Being right this time is awesome and I've always known that she's a big softy. When I first met her she was Detective Fae Hardass but that was her old life. We have history now. I raised her from two weeks old, combed out all her tangles and let her binge watch the X-files.

"You've come to the right place but I have to pay rent this time around." I say while holding up my arms to gesture around my palace. "So no squatting and I don't mean the exercise that makes your gams look amaze-balls."

"I can pull my own weight." Tamsin says with a wry smirk.

"Well alright then, _mi casa es su casa_."

"Wait hold up. You have job these days, Kenz?"

I admit it takes skill to make the word 'job' sound like an impossible feat for me and again I feel a little offended.

"Sort of and don't look so shocked."

Tamsin moves closer to me on the sofa and she's looking at me like I'm some kind of a weirdo who has some kind of growth on her face. It's so not funny and neither is her awed silence.

"Look, it started out as a kind of illegal rave that I would move around. But then I met some peeps, got hooked up and now I run a completely legal club called 'Russian Beatdown'; it makes some decent bank these days."

Tamsin smiles, "Are you shitting me again?"

I roll my eyes at her and get up off the sofa. "I'm serious as Flavor Flav when he says: 'Yeah boy!'

Tamsin chuckles as she lifts her tall, blonde ass off my furniture. "I'll go get my shit out of my car. Be back in a few cause I packed light."

I smile as Tamsin swaggers out of my apartment and closes the door behind her. It will be cool to have one of my friends back; Fae or not, it doesn't matter. And as for Bo I wish her all the best in life. I hope her and Lauren finally figure it out and when her life settles down maybe Miss. Wonder-Snatch will come find me. Hell she better if she decides to get married. Because I was all kinds of serious when I said that I'd better be her first and only choice for the Maid of Honor title.

 **{:| END |:}**

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 **Soundtrack: ****"Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J, "Check Yo' Self" by Ice Cube & "Nuthin' But A G-Thang" by Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg **

**Final Words:** **Bless all things Kenzi and the coolest chick that played her.**


End file.
